I'm struggling to keep it together tonight. It's Valentine's Day - a 'hallmark' holiday, ill admit... but still, a day to celebrate Love....and my family (which is everything that is love to me) is split up for the 4th day in a row.
I haven't left Addison's bedside since we arrived to the ER at St. Anne's on Friday morning. Her room is starting to suffocate me... its just me and Addi and my frustration at the way people can bounce happily in and out of our lives here without a care. The nurses can't comprehend that the hurt I feel for my tiny daughter doesn't end when they leave the room. It doesn't have a shift change; or a lunch break. Hearing everyone buzzing about their plans tonight gives me a big pang of jealousy. I wanted champagne and roses and long kisses from the person I need the most right now...
But the person who needs me the most right now is my daughter.
Everyone is always complimenting me on how I am staying so positive through all of this but the truth is this: I am weaker than you know. I am selfish.... I have fleeting moments where I try to convince myself that I could just leave for a few hours and go home... but I can't...and won't leave her side.
Tonight I'll begin writing her story - because I can no longer hold back the tears that I've been blinking back for 3 months. My daughter is suffering; I have no control over it. Maybe it's time I took a step back and embraced the journey we've been sent down. I hope one day down the road, you can read this blog and it will say "Praise the Lord; Our daughter is perfect and healthy."
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